Okay, so I have been thinking. Why do we love who we love? Why is it such a beautiful yet difficult thing to maintain? The concept of commitment and how two lovers evolve and still try to make it work. The idea of choice when it comes to love.
It is very romantic to say that you were "nothing" until that significant other came along. It is very romantic to say that now that your loved one has entered your life, "you feel complete", but how valid are these statements?
In the first place, what does it mean to have someone complete you? I ask because the concept is confusing to me. Is it how well the other person lives up to your ideas and you to theirs?
"Only love can complete you".
"Once you find the person who completes you, never let them go."
"It is all about finding your other half."
We have all come across these sorts of quotes. For the most part, we have believed them and even tried to find the one who will "complete" us. But the truth is that this very concept that we need someone else to feel complete is flawed.
Here is the paradox in human relationships: You do not need anyone to complete you, but without anyone to share your existence, life is meaningless. It is only through your relationship with other people, places, and events that you can even exist. This is the frustration and the joy of the human experience.
So, how then does one reconcile the paradox? You have to be fine on your own but choose to be with someone with whom you share your life. It is not a need but a want. Do you see where it gets tricky?
When you think you need another person to be happy, to survive, is it really even them that you need? What void in your life are you attempting to fill with that person? And honestly, if you feel like something is off with your life, a relationship will be a temporary fix.
You should not wait for someone to love you for you to see that you are worthy of the things you desire. You should love "you".
We fall in love with people, and we fall in love with places and things. But how many of us have fallen in love with ourselves? It is a weird concept to think about—falling in love with yourself. But I am starting to think it might be something we all need to do, especially as a prerequisite for all other types of love.
If you do not fall in love with yourself, there is an expectation that the person you fall in love with will fill the void of self-love that is really up to you to fill for yourself. Even when people love you the way you deserve and desire, they cannot always give you what you need.
And one of those things you need to give yourselves is your self-worth.
Have you ever tried to love someone with a low sense of self? Chances are, you will lose yourself if you persist in the endeavour.
First, they do not believe you. S/he think you are trying to manipulate or trying to get something. How could you love them for who they are? When they do not love themselves. No! There must be some mistake. You must want something.
They sit around trying to figure out how anyone could actually love them. And embark on a campaign to make you prove it. You have to prove your love. To do this, they may ask you to start altering your behaviour. Compromising the very essence of your being.
If they finally come to a place where they can believe you love them, it is now about how long they can keep your love. They operate out of fear. So, to hold onto you, they start altering their behaviour. Consequently, two people literally lose themselves in a relationship.
Two people join together in a partnership hoping that the whole will be greater than the sum of the parts, only to find that it is less. You feel less than when you were single. Less capable, less able, less exciting, less attractive, less joyful, less content. You have given up most of who you are, to be—and to stay—in a relationship.
Relationships were never meant to be this way. Yet this is how they are experienced by more people than you could ever know.
This is why you need to get comfortable in your own existence. Reaching a point in life where you realise you are all you need. And if or when you invest your time and energy, drop your guard, and things do not work out, you will still be fine.
Knowing that you do not need a partner to live a fulfilling life but still meet someone you want to share your life with makes dating an enjoyable experience.
You might still enjoy doing some things on your own, but you crave the company of that specific person. Do you need them to function? Of course not, but their presence does add to your happiness. You know you do not need them, but you want them to take up space in your life.
They are who you want to talk to when you have had the best day, and you just have to share your joy with someone. They are who you want to talk to when you get bad news and want someone to just be with you. You know you can make it through hard times on your own, but you want them with you nonetheless.
This is what I think is the purpose of relationships. It has nothing to do with having someone to complete you but having someone to share your existence.