Building A Man

The song is "build" by Justine Skye. Part of the song that got to me goes like this;

"If I could build a man;

Like, really build a man

He'd be smart enough to read my mind

When I'm hard to understand

I could wish you would change

But that won't shake the pain

That's living in my heart." 

She goes on to say;

"But since I can't build a man

I'ma work on who I am

Spending all my time on me

Instead of living in make believe

Oh, I wish you would change."

This is one of those songs that will have you in your feels. I think most of us have once wished we could change someone. Maybe you are going through it right now. It is hard, I know.

Okay, storytime! Once upon a time, I was in a relationship with an angel, let's call her Meagan (Cause I have always had a crush on Meagan Good). Meagan was such a pure, beautiful soul. Looking into her eyes filled me with comfort and calmed my fears. Meagan loved me so much, and I loved her too. But (you sensed a but coming, didn't you?) I didn't know how to convey that love. Long story short—I ran away from the love she gave me. I was stuck in my ways. It was clear to me that I was hurting her. 

This brings me back to the song—her efforts to change me failed. They failed not for the reasons you might think. I was in love with Meagan. But I felt attacked and got defensive.

I had built up walls to keep me in my comfort zone. C'mon, I was a whole human being with a past. 

Here is why it is so hard to change someone—for a person to change, they must feel the change is theirs. That they chose it, and they control it.

You can't make anyone change—even for their own good. You can inspire them to change. You can support their growth, but you can't make them change. So, don't try to! If you're reading this and you've been trying to change someone, know that your efforts will cause more harm than good. You'll grow to resent them more. If they comply and submit to your needs, there is no way to sustain that change. They will soon revert to their usual self. You can't force someone to be what you need them to be.

Does this mean that people will never change? That the way someone is now is how they will be for the rest of their life? Of course not. But change does not happen by you forcing it.

Real change comes from within. It's authentic. 

But here is the beauty of love—healthy love, that is. 

When you are with the right person, you will not change who you are or pretend to be someone else to get their affection. 

There is no need to mask and alter the way you speak, think, and express yourself because you want to be perceived in a certain way, and the best kind of love is the one where you do not think twice before you speak or act. The best kind of love is love that feels effortless. You don't have to perform for someone. 

Healthy love heals. You grow when you are in a healthy bond. The bond gives you a safe space to show up how you want to show up. It is a love that meets you where you are. The love is there when you are confused, sad, and unsure of your footing or what to do. Taking the time to talk to you about what is in your heart and head. This kind of love inspires change.

Here is something you also need to know, when a man feels like he has found the one, that is when he changes. He feels inspired to be the best man he can be. She does not do anything to force that change, but his love for her changes him. His desire for her makes him want to be better for her. He will want to be able to pour into her. Be the man who is deserving of her. That is how powerful, healthy love is.

It is as simple as that. No coercion. 

When Meagan stopped trying to mould me and met me where I was. I took control of my growth and became the best version of myself. My best self.