Loving a Man Who Struggles to Love Himself

 

We’ve all heard the saying, “Men only love themselves.” But sometimes, what looks like self-love is really self-loathing hiding in plain sight. In this edition of Sative Magazine, we dive into the complexities of being in a relationship with a man battling low self-esteem and offer thoughtful insights for navigating such a journey.

 

 

What Is Low Self-Esteem?

Low self-esteem is easy to describe but difficult to grasp for those who haven’t experienced it first-hand. It’s a deep-rooted sense of shame, guilt, or embarrassment about who you are—a subjective evaluation of your worth that leans heavily toward self-rejection.

 

 

 

The Struggles of Loving a Man Who Doesn’t Love Himself

If you’re in love with a man struggling with low self-esteem, I know how challenging it can be. There are days when the relationship feels like a tightrope walk, balancing compassion and your own emotional needs. I speak from experience—I used to be that man. Healing, for me, came from surrounding myself with compassionate people. My girlfriend, with her unconditional love and unwavering kindness, became the anchor that helped me navigate my storm.

But our journey wasn’t always smooth. Even though I loved her deeply, I struggled to accept her love. My self-loathing made me feel unworthy, and instead of cherishing her affection, I sought validation elsewhere—in distractions that only deepened my despair.

 

Childhood Influences and Emotional Void

Many of us carry the shadows of our childhood into adulthood. I, for one, grew up in a household devoid of emotional affection. My father, though hard-working and well-meaning, rarely expressed love in physical or verbal ways. The unfortunate reality is that I’m not alone—many boys grow up associating affection solely with sexuality because their fathers never modeled healthy emotional connections.

In childhood, we rely on adults to equip us with self-confidence and self-respect. But when a child feels misunderstood or fails to comprehend the world around them, they often blame themselves for their confusion. This inner turmoil, coupled with feelings of inadequacy, sets the stage for the self-esteem battles we encounter in adulthood.

 

 

Navigating the Relationship

Here are some things to keep in mind when you love a man who’s grappling with esteem issues:

Understand that he will make mistakes.

A man dealing with low self-esteem will make a lot of mistakes; he will hurt you. His need to escape his nonsensical feelings will lead him to make reckless choices. It can get confusing at times because it will seem like he goes out of his way to hurt you. You have to remember that he loves you and doesn't intentionally want to hurt you (he hurts enough being himself). 

 Ask him why he does the things he does and if he needs help learning how to love himself. If he can't handle those questions, he's not yet ready to heal; consider what's best for you. 

 

He has a constant need to prove his worthiness.

I had a pathological need to prove that I was worthy. I wanted to be able to 'earn someone' who everyone wanted to prove to myself that I was a valuable man. It's pathetic, I know. 

 At first, he cherished you and showed you off to everyone but after a while the high that you gave him faded (he needs another dose of the 'I'm worthy' drug) so, he goes back to look for another supply. He goes in search of new intense and intoxicating experience so he can feel good about himself again. 

 

He always has something to prove.

He has the 'when I'm somebody' syndrome. What may seem like ambition or hustle can be a cover-up for the void that he feels inside. There's nothing wrong with having aspirations (it's great to have aspirations) problem lies when it's a distraction from the voices in his head that tells him he's not enough. He dreams of a day when he can be happy. All he cares about is acquiring a lot of money, accomplishments and fame. He's trying to create a life that will prove his deserving.

Remind him of how much of life and joy there is in the present. Happiness doesn't begin after you have achieved a high level of success.  

 

He can be extremely jealous and insecure.

A man with low self-esteem has a very fragile ego; you have to make him feel that he's your world at all times. Any attempt to threaten that will have him lose his mind. It can get exhausting since most of that will be irrational fears. 

 

He regularly starts fights.

Since he has a constant need to feel needed, he may experience pleasure in seeing you in pain cause of him. As sick as that sounds, watching you fight for him reassures him of his worthiness.  

 

Your Choice Matters

Being with someone who has low self-esteem can be emotionally draining. You have a choice: either draw the line and prioritize your own well-being, or commit to helping him heal. Healing, however, must come from within him—it’s not your responsibility to fix him. Professional help may be necessary, and your support can be invaluable.

The beauty in this journey? If he chooses to embrace healing, he’ll never forget the person who helped him find the greatest love of all: love for himself.